So, how are the kids doing?

So four life changing blog posts in, and I haven’t even addressed one of the biggest questions I get asked:

Someone: How are the kids coping with the move? They must be so excited?
Me: Well….Kairo is really excited, Zara on the other hand….not so much
Someone: Really? I thought for sure it would be the other way around.

For those of you who are not as familiar with me and my family, Kairo is my eldest son who is intelligent, mature, empathetic, and airs on the more quiet, shy and reserved site. My younger daughter, Zara, is also intelligent and mature, but she’s entitlement and confidence on long legs. Just enters a room dripping Hollywood! So yeah, I would have aligned with all of you when I tried to predict which child would be most in favor of this move.

There have been many internal battles I have faced with this move, and the one that tops the list is: “Am I ruining my children’s lives?”

Dramatic? Maybe. But how can I help but not ask that question when my 9 year old daughter is crying herself to sleep with the words “you never even asked for my consent!” (side note: can we talk about how pleased I am that my daughter already puts so much importance on the word ‘consent’?).

I warned parents in the neighborhood before the “For Sale” sign went up, letting them know that a move was happening. We weren’t 100% sure that we would end up in California, but we were headed in that direction. As news spread across to the children, including my daughter’s best friends, the sobbing Messenger Kids videos started to pour in. My daughter was heartbroken. Not only did she not want to leave, but now she felt responsible for the sadness of all her friends. “It’s my fault. I’m responsible for their sadness” she would say. And don’t even try to tell her anything like “you can still message each other” or “you’ll make new friends.” NOT HELPFUL!

After the initial shock of the “For Sale” sign, things got better. Until 3 weeks later when I advised that the house was sold. Her initial reaction was relief to no longer live in a staged home. But seconds later, reality quickly set in. She would leave her friends behind. How could any of us celebrate this milestone while this tiny heart we were charged to protect broke in our arms? I had flash forwards of her charging into the house a year from now, upset over some altercation at school, screaming “I hate you! I never wanted to come here and you made me! You ruined my life!” like a scene straight out of “Uncle Buck.”

Was I asking too much of them? Especially after the past year they’ve already had: suddenly being thrust into remote learning, less parental attention, no summer camps, no after-school activities, back into remote learning, then thrust into “in-person” school at a brand new school mid-way through the year, and then back into remote learning. It’s too much. It’s not fair.

Meanwhile, my 12 year old son is craving the move! Will he miss his friends? Absolutely! But he also recognizes that a lot of the play he enjoys with his friends is online. So he believes he will make it work. If you asked Kairo was he is most looking forward to about moving to LA, he will tell you “a fresh start!” I didn’t even think 12 year old’s needed a fresh start, but here we are. The pandemic seemed to have had a negative effect on Kairo’s overall mental health. He sank more into his shell, only found joy in electronic time, was quick to emotion and then frustrated with himself for being so quick because “a boy is not supposed to cry”. Changing him to a new school made things worse. He couldn’t relate to any of his peers and felt like a complete outsider. They were disruptive, disrespectful, used curse words, and with no extra-curricular activities and contact with his friends during recess, he couldn’t find anyone with his shared interests. He needed to find his people.

So where are we now as the move draws nearer? Well, Zara is definitely becoming more positive about the move, but it feels like every night for the past 3 months she manufactures a stomach ache, a headache, a nightmare, a knee pain, or anything else that will award her with sympathetic attention. She’s spending a ton of time with her friends, and more time connecting with Shan so that she can constantly remind herself of what’s waiting for her in LA; focusing less on what she’s leaving behind in Canada.

Kairo…I haven’t seen him this happy in so long. He literally wakes up and goes to bed vibrating with excitement. He has become determined to enter this transition as a new version of himself. More confident, capable, loud spoken and he even said that he’s working on his posture. Many of you have seen that he has a job editing content for my Instagram channel, which has fueled his purpose and motivation.

How are we as parents? Well…we’ve decided that this move and all of its discomfort is the price to pay for raising resilient children. Some days I cry when my daughter cries because I feel like I can barely hold my face above water, let alone support her weight. We are allowing our children to feel all of their feelings and supporting them through open dialogue. Trying our best not to problem solve and just listen.

We are getting through.